Healing my heart through writing

 You can judge a person's character by the amount of truth they can stand.

I was a serial toxic relationship dater and bad sex addict for many many years and now I am 27 and I have put myself into a life circumstance where I can no longer fall into these pitfalls of human suffering. 

Overly detaching and calling it general human suffering isn't the way, but detaching enough to understand that it was a collective experience, one that I was both affected by and affecting is the form of self-compassion that I am holding myself with these days.

A theme that's majorly coming up for me is honesty.

In my most recent relationship, not counting all the hookups I've had and short flings, there was a strong breech of honesty and good communication. I don't want to label anything as an "all toxic" relationship or any person as "all toxic" because to do that is to strike the nuances out of everything it encompasses. 

All that being said the relationship was a turbulent stream of yes and no, of love and fear, of beauty and ugliness. As life is. Right now writing about this is giving me clarity and gratitute despite the hardship of it all.

The issue with the above quote that I started with is that the truth is different depending on the person, but the nuance is actually that there are resonant truths that transcend each of us individually and simply exist because they are true. 

It began with a choice to personally agree to rebel against human extinction. I'm realizing, now, as I write this, that the relationship was beautiful in its way. Despite all the reasons that I had to leave it.

The foundation of the relationship began with a personal choice to agree to rebel against human extinction, and a desire to collaborate and co-create with other possibily like-minded people who possibily shared my values, or at least my burning desire to rebel against extinction and take care of the planet. 

We came together in a strange and random way, because of chaos magick done on the part of others and my unwitting participation in the collective spell. 

I was invited to a small gathering on a familiar hilltop, to meet with others who might care in a similar way that I do. I didn't really know what to expect, other than we were going to creatively work together to come up with powerful solutions backed by magick to assist mother earth and our communites in our resilience.

I must add that as I write this in the high grass plains of southern arizona I am in the middle of a high wind activity that is blowing dust around and causing a rather remarkable scene.

at the very least, I can feel grounded in the hope that mother earth is listening to what I'm doing. 

I kind of feel like Dorothy when she's shouting "auntie em! auntie em!"

But I love nature's wild.

Anyway. Back to where I was. Thunder, she replies. 

So I went to this event and since I don't drive, I got picked up in the car by the person who organized the thing. We went first to pick up his friend, and that's when it all kind of started.

This guy lived in a squat house. As far as I know, he still does. The place smelled like a really strong mildew and mold, and there was random trash and hazardous items all over the floor. He had eyes like cold beads of glass, like a serpent with no warmth or love, yet I was somehow intruiged. I told him his squat house was the best one I've been in. Which is true.

I found myself somehow attracted to this creature who both scared and fascinated me. I found myself feeling much less fear that thinking I was afraid, but noticing a strong pattern of attraction and repulsion happening within me.

I wanted to love him, yet I told myself I knew that I would regret it. Well guess what? I don't.

I don't fucking regret it.

I'm seeking gentleness with myself these days. No longer obligating myself to stay in the storm, I'm letting myself feel safe.

Back to my story. I mentioned that a major theme coming up is honesty, because I started to fall into deep patterns of being dishonest: with myself, with others, with new friends, with strangers. I noticed when I would lie, but I would feel cognitive dissonance and tell myself that it's fine. But when the vitality started to seep out of my experiences, I knew it was a problem. 

Flashback to when I was younger, I barely had the ability to be dishonest. If I did somehting that my mom didn't want me to do, I felt a rushed obligation to share the truth with her and felt completely uncomfortable until I did. I just couldn't be dishonest, it killed me. 

So when I started to act dishonestly and speak dishonestly, I really just about lost myself. There's nothing energizing about lying.

I don't know that I was ever in love with this person, but we certainly shared a powerfully magnetic attraction that drove us both to the edge of our capacity and well beyond it actually.

What is love? Love is assuring. Love is nourishing. Love feels safe and is safe. 

When I was in turbulent, unhealthy relationships, they didn't feel assuring, nourishing, or safe.

My dishonesty in the relationship manifested as stating that I wanted his loyalty and to be monogamous, but in reality what I wanted was him to be a completely different person. So I wound up finding all these compeltely different people to try to fill the hole in my heart, but none of it worked because I wasn't seeking out assuring, nourishing, safe relationships. 

I don't know how long it will be till i heal this enough to have the kind of relationship that makes my heart healthy in love, but that doesn't matter because what I'm interested in now is healing my heart and loving myself enough to have clarity and centeredness.

I was addicted to social media for several years too, which can't have nothing to do with how much I tested everyone around me and couldn't show up in presence.

Earlier today i just realized how much pain i am carrying in my heart and then i read some articles from a writer who really shows up with some much needed perspective and listened to some music of a similar ilk and such and I just decided that it's my right to tell my story.

More to come.