this beats throwing up

 I made his feelings, opinions, beliefs and thoughts about mine be more important than my own.

Once I did that, I started doing it with everyone.

But what I finally realized is it was a pattern from my childhood - one among many that I thought when I had a "spiritual awakening" that I could simply shed off like a snake's skin or cast aside like an old cloak and be done with, never to deal with it again. But I was wrong!

I used to do this all the time, I remember making my parent's opinion of my truth more important than my truth because I thought they needed me to take care of them, and I thought they needed my agreement to sustain their version of spiritual truth. The thought of openly believing something different from them felt like the act of highest betrayal. I thought, genuinely and unconsciously, that I was responsible for my parent's foundation of truth. That I had the power to rock that boat. So i didn't.

But when I reached the age of 24 going on 25, I started to do it again. And maybe I was probably doing it before that, but I was kind of in a void for awhile, so I'm not sure.

I started to do it again and at the same time I was noticing I was doing it with everyone. I wanted everyone to feel that I believed the same thing as me, except when I semi-violently wanted them to feel that I believed the opposite of what they believed. And none of it was rational, and none of it was properly presenced or relevent to any of the situations. It was all from my unconscious, stemming out from a desire to get love but not knowing what love really is.

I would notice people able to read my aura better than I could, seeing and feeling thingsi had learned to ignore and become numb to. And this shook me because i realized wow, I really have been through so much that I'm like some kind of wandering ghost. And I barely care. All I want to do is get the next fix of what will bring me up - I could feel and clearly see my chronic avoidance of silence, silence which was, is and will be my greatest medicine and the absolute bliss the sages speak of.

the night he came over my house the first time, I was laying down next to him in the basement and I told him I wanted to suck his dick. But then I didn't because something inside me said, stop. full stop. So I didn't.

Soon after spending some time with him, I threw up.

I knew then and there he was physically, emotionally, spiritually in all ways bad for me.

But I stayed with him for like 2 years. 

more to come

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